Scenes Deleted from the Harry Potter Books
by Squigglyhopper
Summary: Title is selfexplanatory. There were just parts of the books that couldn't be allowed for public viewing. Short parody, little snippets. Several slash jokes, but no actual slash.


**Title: Scenes Deleted From the Harry Potter Books**  
**Author:** J. Marie  
**Category:** Humor, Parody  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Spoilers:** All Four Books  
**Summary: **Title is self-explanatory. There were just parts of the books that couldn't be allowed for public viewing. Short parody, little snippets. Several slash jokes, but no actual slash.  
**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Message from Ilyvern: I did not write this, this story was on fanfiction a long time ago and I have to admit I saved it coz I thought it was so good. I've been looking around and cannot find it anywhere else so thought I would repost it, because it's a real shame it was taken down. If by doing this I have caused any offence to the original author then I will take it down immediately if he/she would email me.

**-------**

**From _Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone_:**Hagrid wiped the tears from his eyes sadly. "I tell ya, Harry, if only You-Know-Who hadn't caught yer dad on the loo, he might 'ave 'ad a chance . . ."

**-------**

"Can't we all just be friends?" Harry asked, hugging both Ron and Draco to him.

**-------**

Snape grinned at his class. "Welcome to Potions class, boys and girls! I'm Professor Snape, and I'll teach you all the ins and outs of brewing up magic in your bubbling cauldron!" he said excitedly, bouncing up and down on his heels.

"Uh, what's wrong with him?" Harry blinked.

"I think he got his potions crossed," Ron said sourly, eyeing the Potions instructor, who had pigtails with bright pink pom-pom balls holding them up.

**-------**

Snape needed extra money, so he posed in front of a Muggle camera, holding up a bottle of shampoo with a dour expression. "Use this. Or look like me," he said, his right eye twitching.

**-------**

"Do you think Hagrid would notice if we fed Norbert to Fluffy?" asked Ron.

**-------**

"And there was this one time, at magic camp . . ." said Snape.

**-------**

"Do I look like a chipmunk to you?" Hermione asked nervously.

**-------**

"Hey, that's a really nice cape. Where'd you get it?" Harry asked the cloaked specter approaching him in the woods.

**-------**

"Actually, Harry, the reason Snape hates you so much is because your father dumped him for your mother," said Dumbledore.

**-------**

**From _Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets_:**

Snape discovers the boys talking about him while they stare inside at the Sorting Ceremony. They turn and see his tear-streaked face.

"You--you mean . . . you don't like me . . .?" Snape blubbered.

**-------**

"I've been a baaaaaaaad boy," Draco grinned.

**-------**

"Do you think pink is my color?" Snape asked, modeling in front of his class in fuchsia robes.

**-------**

Draco Malfoy carefully packaged up the Singing Valentine, and discreetly sent it to Harry Potter.

**-------**

Snape and Lockheart sing "Why Can't We Be Friends?", arm in arm, after a night of drinking at Hogsmeade.

**-------**

"And there was this one time, at magic camp . . ." said Snape.

**-------**

"Nice dress, I mean robe, Professor Dumbledore."

**-------**

Harry hands Lucius Malfoy his dirty underwear instead of his dirty sock. Instead of tossing it at Dobby, Lucius gives it to his son, who adds it to his collection.

**-------**

"Percy likes girls . . .?" Ron asked in disbelief upon hearing his sister's revelation on catching Percy snogging Penelope Clearwater.

**-------**

**From _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban_:**

"Exactly how can one be 'solemnly up to no good'?" Harry asked disdainfully.

**-------**

"Mr. Moony presents his compliments, and asks that you keep your abnormally large di-I mean, nose, out of other people's business."

**-------**

Snape accidentally exchanges the Wolfsbane Potion for a Love Potion, and winds up running in terror from a werewolf in heat.

**-------**

Harry walks in on Fred giving George a blow--

--pop. (What did you think I was going to say?)

**-------**

"And there was this one time, at magic camp . . ." Snape said.

**-------**

Sirius and Remus greeted each other as old friends and then just as suddenly, start snogging like rabbits in heat. Ron, Hermione, and Harry pass out.

"And then people wonder why I turned evil. I had to put up with this every day at Hogwarts!" Peter griped.

**-------**

Lupin made a stop by Snape's office before he left. The next day, Filch had to peel the Potions Master off the floor, while Snape babbled in terror.

Something about mixing his Love Potions with Wolfsbane Potions again.

**-------**

**From _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire_:**

Harry eagerly sat down and listened to Percy's opinions on cauldron bottoms.

**-------**

"But you looked so much cuter with chipmunk teeth!" Harry cried, a moment before Hermione knocked him out of a window.

**-------**

"Are you sure it's not okay to ask Cedric Diggory to the dance?" Harry asked Ron.

**-------**

"Oh, Harry, I love you, and--"

"Ginny?"

"Yes, Harry?"

"I'm not Harry. I'm Hermione."

Ginny's opened her eyes in surprise to stare into Hermione's rather unhappy face.

"Mind getting off my lap? I'm trying to study."

"Sorry. S'what I get for throwing myself at people with my eyes closed."

**-------**

"Should I ask why Ron is the person Harry would miss most in the world?" Snape asked Dumbledore sourly.

"Only if you want to know the truth."

"Let me guess. Harry is secretly in love with Ron."

"Not at all. Ron has Harry's Sneakoscope in his pocket. You know it's an important plot device in the future books. It's been mentioned repeatedly since the third book."

**-------**

"So, my Lord, what are we going to do tonight?" Lucius Malfoy asked.

"The same thing we do every night, Lucius. _Try to take over the world_!" Voldemort cried dramatically.

"Narf--I mean spending idea, my Lord!"

**-------**

"But before we duel, Harry, I must tell you something," Voldemort hissed.

"Okay. What is it?" Harry asked.

"Harry, I am you father."

"Huh?"

"Join with me on the dark side, and together, we shall rule the galaxy!"

"Um . . . Voldemort . . .?"

"Yes, Harry?"

"Were you watching _Star Wars_ before I got here?"

"Sorry, I was bored."

"Okay, can we go on with the plot now?"

"Sure, sure. Just had to get it out of my system."

**-------**

"I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and if by my life or death I can protect you, I-"

"Um, Aragorn, son of Arathorn?"

"Yes, Frodo?"

"I is not Frodo, sir, I is Dobby the House Elf. Dobby is thinking you is in the wrong book, sir."

"Damn it. All you midgets look alike."

"Dobby is sorry, sir."

"No, no. My apologies. I better get back to Middle Earth before someone gets the Ring--is that _Legolas_?"

A handsome Elven archer runs by, screaming. Every female at Hogwarts was chasing after him, including Professor McGonagall. They all wanted him to sign their underwear.

Aragorn sighs. "This always happens. I swear, I can't take that guy anywhere."

**-------**

"So you want me to _lie low_ at Lupin's, eh?" Sirius grinned rakishly.

Harry blinked and Dumbledore sighed.

"Yeah, I'll _lie low_ on Lupin any time," Sirius chuckled evilly.

"Excuse me, but this is a serious part of the book. Can you stop it with the homosexual innuendos?" Dumbledore snapped.

"Sorry. Couldn't help myself."

**-------**

Snape's voice cackled down the hallway on the last day of school, a malicious grin on his face.

"And there was this one time, at magic camp . . ."

His class awaited him to finally close the statement he had left hanging for four years now.

". . . that I stuck my wand up my--hey! Where's everybody going? I haven't finished my story!"

Snape sighed and shook his head. "And I was just going to tell them the secret of hiding your wand up your sleeve," he said mournfully.

**Title: Scenes Deleted From 'The Order of the Phoenix'  
Author:** J. Marie  
**Category:** Humor, Parody  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Spoilers:** All Five Books  
**Summary:** Nothing is sacred. There were just scenes in the Order of the Phoenix that JKR couldn't keep in the book. Sarcasm at its worse. Just little snippets, nothing terribly cohesive. Lots of slash jokes.  
**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.  
**Author's Notes:** For Luchs, who drew me an awesome OC sketch and encouraged me to give it a whirl. Thanks to Sputzo, who assured me this was at least somewhat amusing. Probably not as funny as the last, and definitely more sarcastic in tone. Sorry. It took me a while to emotionally recover from a certain character's death to be able to write this. I was seriously broken-hearted and couldn't find anything funny in the book at all. Funny story, though: I was suffering from complications of my appendectomy and was reading OotP and got to the part where someone dies. I began sobbing. Since I had been in pain all day long and was on an IV, the nurse came in and doped me up. I promptly passed out before being able to find out what happened after that. I was not pleased. So yeah, I've finally come to the emotional point in my life where my sarcasm recovered enough to continue my deleted scenes. Provided Lupin, Snape, or someone I love just as much doesn't die in Half-Blood Prince, I'll write those, too.

**-------**

"Who's Cedric--your boyfriend?" Dudley asked.

Harry sobbed. "H-how did you guess?"

**-------**

"Nice place. Who decorated--Elvira, Mistress of the Dark?" Harry asked upon arriving at Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place.

"Of course not. Bellatrix is Mistress of the Dark, not Elvira. Don't be silly. My mum and dad called in the Cryptkeeper for decorating tips in any case," Sirius replied.

**-------**

"Yeah, I thought you were lying low at Lupin's?" Harry asked upon finding Sirius and Lupin living in Sirius's house.

"Well, we got tired of that particular double entendre, so now he's moved in with me. You do know my, er, lifestyle is why my mum gets so worked up, don't you?" Sirius answered.

"Right. So exactly how _close_ were you and my dad, anyway?"

**-------**

"Yeah, I told you Percy didn't like girls," Ron said upon telling Harry the story of Percy's row with his parents. "I couldn't believe someone who obviously has a real gift for shoving his nose up other men's arses could like girls."

**-------**

Harry craned his neck at all the students gathered in the Great Hall. "So where's the American transfer student with perfect, creamy skin, a slender, yet curvy figure, long, flowing tresses of wispy hair, and luminous, fathomless, and reflective eyes? You know, the one who can defeat Voldemort with the power of love, a voice like a songbird, and is so popular even Dumbledore wants to date her. She's my soulmate. Or Ron's. Or Snape's. Or Lupin's. Or Sirius's. Or--"

"Wrong fanfic," Hermione remarked. "And by the way, her name's Mary Sue."

"Thought that sounded familiar."

**-------**

"Gee, our first DADA teacher was like a squirrel, the second was like a peacock, the third was like a wolf, the fourth was like a jackal, and the fifth is like a toad. Where does Dumbledore find these people, anyway?" Harry said upon seeing Professor Umbridge.

**-------**

"Now, why did all the Harry and Draco slash fans mope off just because Harry beat the shite out of Draco on the Quidditch field?" Ron asked Hermione.

"Really, you'd think they'd be screaming, 'OTP'. If that wasn't the biggest case of unresolved sexual tension I've ever seen, then there's no point in reading slash. Harry had to be jinxed off Draco in order to 'abandon the attempt to punch every inch of Malfoy he could reach'. That was just rough-sex!Harry, is all," Hermione answered.

"Wait, I'm confused," Ron said.

"Well, on the bright side, it wouldn't be the first time. It's funny how you dropped something from the last book."

"What?"

"Your IQ."

**-------**

"I've been practicing joined-up writing!" bubbled Professor Lockhart.

"See, he's already smarter than he was before," Ron commented. "I told you we did him a favor."

**-------**

"Oh, wow," said Harry staring at the Christmas present from Lupin and Sirius. "A joint Christmas present. JKR isn't really working very hard to dispel those canon slash rumors about you two, is she?"

**-------**

(Copied straight from the text, though taken out of context. No joke necessary.)

"Harry's heart began to pump very fast indeed. Defense against external penetration?"

"He was on his knees again, his face buried in his hands."

"'Get up!' Snape said sharply. 'Get up! You are not trying, you are making no effort, you are allowing me access . . .'"

"He was on all fours again on Snape's office. He pushed himself up again to find Snape staring at him, his wand raised."

**-------**

It took Harry several sessions of waking up on his knees--on the floor of Snape's office--panting and sweating to figure out what Snape was _really_ after.

**-------**

Harry came down for an Occlumency lesson one day and found Snape lying on his desk in a truly horrible lime green and brown leisure suit, a disco ball revolving on the ceiling, and the fact that Snape was wearing platforms.

"Do I make you horny, baby?" Snape purred form behind a pair of funky sunglasses. "Want me to show you what I learned at magic camp?"

"AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" Harry screamed, running out of the dungeons and up to the Gryffindor tower.

"Why are you screaming now? Stub your toe? Someone look at you funny?" Hermione asked drolly.

"Snape--Snape was channeling Austin Powers!"

"That's the best reason to scream that you've had in this whole book so far. Good job!" Hermione said proudly.

**-------**

"So that's why me and Cho didn't work out," Harry sighed.

"Well, now you've learned your lesson about trying to pretend being a heterosexual," Hermione said pompously.

"Yes, now I'm going to back to spying on Malfoy in the shower with my Invisibility Cloak!" Harry said brightly, looking much mollified.

**-------**

"Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?" James asked.

"Right, if the homosexual innuendos weren't already choking the story, that pretty much took the cake," Harry sighed. "That explains everything I ever needed to know about Snape's attitude problems. My father forced him to do a striptease in the middle of the lawn. I'd be bitter too, if it were me."

**-------**

"I, er, tripped Potter with a Trip Jinx!" Draco told Umbridge brightly.

"He did not! He jumped me! From behind! He molested me! I won't be able to sit on my arse for a week!" Harry screamed.

Draco kicked him. "Shut up, I told you not to talk about that in public!" he whispered loudly.

"But I thought I was supposed to pretend I didn't like it?" Harry asked, blinking in confusion.

"Of course you are, idiot! But you're not supposed to say anything happened at _all_!"

"Oh, was _that_ what you said. Next time, you shouldn't talk with your mouth full. It's impolite."

"Full of what?" Umbridge asked sharply.

"Full of my--"

"Soap bubbles! From his Scourgify spell, of course!" Draco said, kicking Harry again to make him shut up.

**-------**

"Well, our third movie was better than yours!" Aragorn argued.

"I wouldn't say _better_," Harry said neutrally. "It was _longer_, certainly."

"It was so better! Look at all the subtext in the Shrieking Shack between Black and Lupin--ruining serious moments!"

"Look, I know the star of the 'gayest story ever told' didn't just say something about subtext to me. You spent more time in that movie touching Legolas and Boromir than you did your own girlfriend. You had exactly three women in the whole movie--four if you count Legolas and some people do--and those hobbits took homoerotica to a whole new level. I won't even get into the cross-dressing Elves."

"Please. They slaughtered your book when they translated it to movie."

"Well, at least our movie knew when to end. The Return of the King was something like a Lambchop song. The chorus of, 'This is the movie that never ends. It goes on and on, my friend,' kept running through my mind during the last hour."

"Well, we won Oscars!"

"So did _Titanic_. That didn't make it a good movie, either."

**-------**

"Isn't there a point where we begin to wonder how stupid Hagrid really is? Either that or incredibly diabolical," Hermione said, staring at Grawp.

"Hell, I'm still trying to figure out how Hagrid's parents _conceived_ him," Harry said, shaking his head. "Did his dad have a stepladder, or what? How many bottles of Firewhiskey does it take to get a human and a Giantess to shag, anyway?"

**-------**

"Oh, yes. Let's fly on the selectively invisible death-horse thingies to the Ministry of Magic so we can save someone who _might_ be currently tormented by an incredibly powerful megalomaniac and his drinking buddies. That's a much better idea than going back to the school and fetching the adults to help us since we've conveniently removed our biggest hindrance from them helping us or calling people who can help us. Honestly, why didn't _I_ come up with a plan this effective?" Hermione said, rolling her eyes.

"It's heroic, not intelligent, Hermione. C'mon, pick a thestral, any thestral!" Harry said enthusiastically.

**-------**

Lucius Malfoy woke up in a cell at Azkaban after the fiasco in the Department of Mysteries. "F#$ me," he said, summing up the situation rather admirably.

**-------**

Malfoy advanced on Harry. "I'll have you, Potter. You can't land my father in prison--"

"Well, you can have me. I think I've pretty much proven I suck at heterosexuality," Harry sighed. "And in the meantime, your father is currently some large, sweaty man named Bob's bitch. You might have to call him 'mum' by the time he gets free. Do try to remind him not to drop the soap, by the way."

**-------**

"So how was school this year for you, young man?" someone asked Harry politely when the Dursleys stopped by the restaurant for a takeway dinner after picking him up from King's Cross.

"The usual. The new DADA teacher had issues. Voldemort hatched up a new plot that had so many holes that if I had a couple brain cells and an ounce of common sense, I could have avoided. People alternately loved me and loathed me. Ron and Hermione got exactly nowhere. I made a fool of myself pretending to be a heterosexual--again. Oh yeah, and some lunatic killed my godfather. I might have passed my O.W.L.s, though. That makes it all better," Harry said sourly.

"Er, sorry I asked."

"On the bright side, I'm sure my creator'll kill someone even more important to me in the next book, so I have that to look forward to," Harry added bitterly.

"Have you considered therapy?"

**-------**

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Angsty!Harry! Yay!

(Ilyvern: Once again I did not write this, and nor have I changed the original in anyway. Once again, if I have caused any offense I will take this down sans delay. Kisses...)


End file.
